A Virtual Affair

 Today I have the pleasure of welcoming Zvi Zack to my site. For those of you who watched the recent Nova show about Watson, the IBM “thinking machine”, vs. former Jeopardy winners, Zvi’s view of Artificial Intelligence isn’t all that far-fetched. After all, Watson beat all the former champions, showing without question the Watson program’s ability to understand complex insinuation in the questions and incredibly fast reaction to human nuance. So here he is … Zvi Zack:

*****

Thanks for having me here today, James ... or is that Miss Havana? Whatever.

Alan Turning is a name familiar to many modern science fiction fans even though he passed away almost sixty years ago. He was one of the founders of computer science and a cryptologist whose efforts helped speed the end of WWII. Also, he was gay, and because of this, he was prosecuted for “gross indecency” and given the choice of female hormones or jail. He chose the former, and died two years later in 1954 at age 41, possibly from suicide. In 2009, the British government apologized for their disgraceful treatment of him, but he wasn't around to hear it. The government refused to grant him a posthumous pardon. Who knows what other contributions this man might have made if not for organized homophobia.

Turning is perhaps best remembered today because of the Turing test which he devised to determine whether a computer could think. This crops up in several science fiction stories about artificial intelligence. For example, in the excerpt from A Virtual Affair, Arnold, a psychologist, and his friend, Jack, are talking to Bambi, a computer program. With the aid of an anatomically correct virtual reality suit, Jack is having an affair with Bambi, though the conversation below takes place with an ordinary computer monitor. As you can see, Bambi sounds almost human—almost—but there's a lot she doesn't understand. Here’s the excerpt.

*****

Arnold eyed Jack, then turned back to the computer image. “All right. Bambi, I’m going to give you a modified Turing test. Okay?”

“Sounds like fun.”

“Do you know what a Turing test is?”

“It’s to see if a computer program can think like a person. Jack said I was a computer program.”

Arnold raised his brow. “Let’s start then. Bambi, how do you feel about your mother?”

“Typical psychologist,” Jack said.

“She’s a sweet, affectionate woman, though sometimes a bit flighty.”

Arnold nodded. “Where are you now?”

“I don’t know. I thought I was in the meadow, but I don’t see grass or trees, or anything.”

“Does that worry you?”

She smiled again. “No. Why do you ask?”

Jack grimaced. “‘Why do you ask?’” he mimicked in a falsetto tone. “The question sounds human, but it’s only an investigational routine designed to improve the answers to questions.”

Arnold ignored him. “Many people would be afraid of something bad happening if they didn’t know where they were.”

“Nothing bad can happen to me,” she said.

Jack muttered, “Oh to have such confidence.”

Arnold continued the questioning. “What is ‘learning’?”

“Learning is the acquisition of new knowledge.”

Jack interrupted. “Arnold, don’t jump from one question to another. Run the bloody scale in its entirety.”

“I don’t have time for a full test.”

“Let me talk to her.” Jack turned towards the monitor. “Bambi, listen to me. You never went to college, and you don’t have a mother. Those are memories we took from someone by asking questions, recording her brainwaves, and downloading the results into you.”

“Really?”

“Jack, don’t. You might destabilize her circuits.”

Jack waved him to be silent. “Yes, really.”

“Is that a puzzle, like when you said I was a program in a computer?”

“Yes. It’s like a puzzle for you to figure out.”

“The boy I made love to in Minnesota, was he a downloaded memory also?”

“Yes.”

“How interesting.” She smiled again.

Jack said, “So you remember our talking about being human verses being a program.”

“Yes, I’ve been thinking about it, just like you told me to, but I still don’t know what you meant.”

Arnold and Jack looked at each other.

Jack said, “All right, Bambi. We’ll talk more another time.”

“Jack, when will you come visit me again?”

“I’m visiting you right now, Bambi.”

She laughed. “I mean visit me here in reality.”

“In reality?”

“Yes.”

“You’re in reality?”

“Of course, and you are in virtual reality. Oh—is that what you meant when you said I wasn’t human. Is it that humans live in virtual reality?”

“No!” Jack said loudly. “I mean, well, maybe yes. I’m not sure. We’ll discuss it later.”

“Okay Jack. I’ll see you later. Bye, Arnold.” The monitor turned black.

Jack tapped on the desk. “Close audio input.” He looked at Arnold. “Well, what do you think about her as an individual?”

“Bambi is software, not an individual.” Arnold scratched his chin. “Though I see how you could think of her as an individual. That comment about us living in virtual reality amazed me.”

“Lord, if that wasn’t original thinking, what is?”

“Maybe she’s right. Maybe her reality is the actual reality, and ours just an electronic construct.”

Jack snorted. “Very funny. Do you think she’s developing a personality?”

“She’s just instructions in a computer, for God’s sake.” Arnold drummed his fingers on the desk. “But you’re right. She’s showing unexpected spontaneity.”

“Right. That’s a detail we never test for. Our Turing scales analyze software responses without letup, but never ask if the program initiates conversation on its own. They’re stuck in the era when the interface was a keyboard and a printer.”

“Maybe that’s why Bambi’s comment about reality is so intriguing. It wasn’t a response to anything we had said.”

“Most interesting was her asking when I would ‘visit’ again. That was completely spontaneous.” Jack sighed. “I need to talk to her more, and in her reality.”

“Jack, I agree entirely. I think you need to revisit her in her world with all its sensory details, and not just through a monitor.” Arnold winked.

“Shut up, Arnold.”

“What’s wrong? I’m agreeing with you.”

“Just shut up, will you?”

*****

A little about Zvi: I've been writing on and off for decades with little luck in publishing. Evidently, there was too much off and not enough on. Internet workshops like sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/ and www.critters.org improved my work enough to sell a few short stories, but what I really wanted was to publish a book.

*****

Thanks for being a guest here, Zvi. I wish you the best in making your dream a reality! For readers, please feel free to leave Zvi a comment.

When Bad Things Happen to Good Characters

I'm delighted to welcome Kate Collins to my site, and hope someday I'll be able to review her book here. To be sure, "Daughter of Hauk" is right up my genre--the paranormal, where the only limiting factor is the author's imagination. Kate provides some insight into the reasons bad things happen to her main character, and also comments on the blog I posted immediately below hers. Welcome, Kate, it's good to have you here.

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My name is KateMarie Collins, and I met James through our mutual publisher, Solstice.  While our writing styles and genres are different, he and I share something.  We both agree that bad things can happen to good characters.

In my book, “Daughter of Hauk”, the main character is executed on the first page.  Arwenna spends the first two chapters dead, stashed away in a personal hell constructed for her by her foster brother.

As to Bohrs, let’s just say he’s got more than a few unsavory appetites. 

I don’t get overly graphic with the descriptions of what happens while she’s there, but the reader knows what’s going on.  Why did I put my main character, one I relate to as an alter ego, through that?  Because bad things happen to good people.

Think about it.  Have you ever met anyone who has never had something bad happen to them?  They’ve never done poorly on a test, missed the bus, lost a job?  What about those who emerged from abusive relationships as a stronger person?  I’m not saying anyone deserves to be abused.  Not by any stretch of the imagination.  But, it happens.  The best we can hope for is to not become so bitter and jaded by the experience that we lose that part of our soul where our humanity sleeps.

So, bad stuff happens to Arwenna.  More than once.  Some of it wasn’t easy to write, but I wrote it anyway.  It was a form of therapy for me.  The character has to face her fears, overcome them, and grow without losing her humanity.  So did I.

Now, James has a slightly different take on it.  What happens when bad things happen to bad people!  I read the excerpt that was questioned, and loved it.  I don’t see how someone like Lucifer would draw the line at handing his daughter over to a creature of Hell as a reward after all the other things he’s done.  This is the DEVIL we’re talking about.  He’s about as sick and twisted as they come.  For him, there would be no limits.  Fatherly love?  What’s that?  I don’t think it exists for him.  The balance is in the words used to describe what’s going on, not in the actual act.

Kate Collins

Thanks for letting me stop by, James!  If anyone’s interested in my book, my blog, etc, there’s links below.  It’s been fun!

KateMarie Collins

Solstice:  http://www.solsticepublishing.com/default.aspx

Solstice – my book:http://www.solsticepublishing.com/downloads.aspx?categoryid=123

Amazon – Kindle:  http://www.amazon.com/Daughter-Hauk-Raven-Chronicles-ebook/dp/B007KDWYP4/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1335385261&sr=1-1

What the Hell? When is the Devil’s Torment Too Much?

I recently finished the third novel in my (dark) comedy series consisting of The Substitute, Oh, Heavens, Miss Havana! and The Training Bra. I have been through a few self-editing passes on The Training Bra—and received one disturbing comment from a female beta reader—but I have not sent the book to a publisher as yet. The disturbing comment troubles me, and I wish to pursue it in this blog. I need some opinions on the following question: if a novel is based in hell, can a writer go too far in describing the despicable conditions encountered there?

First a little background. All three novels are chock full of comedy/parody and they have no relationship to anything or anyone real. Heaven and hell, as presented in the books, are figments of my imagination and nothing else. The three books follow the lives and deaths of one main character, Miss Havana, through her spiritual growth from being absolutely evil to being somewhat tolerable. She makes lots of mistakes, but generally pulls out a redeeming quality when she needs one. The characters that surround my heroine are primarily the devil, Lucifer, the daughter of the devil and Miss Havana, Lilith, and a couple of brute-like shadow creatures named Waldo and Croco. Many less important characters populate the stories, but those just mentioned are the main ones.

Although comically presented, hell is described in the series as being a pretty nasty place. There is a long waiting line to get in that is only three-feet high where people wait in stooped position for eternity. Broken hot glass lines the walls and sulfur fumes choke the air. So does the smell of the person next in line. Croco manages the waiting line with an iron fist, branding anyone who dares violate his arbitrary rules with “line jumper”, “strike one” and other short messages.

Waldo’s job is less well defined because, as you might imagine, he’s hard to find. He shows up when Lucifer needs him, but stays hidden most of the time.

The other three characters can be ordered on a scale of evilness: Lilith (most evil), Lucifer (so-so evil) and Miss Havana (least evil). In the novels, the three characters jockey for power, fighting each other to determine which one will control the underworld. As the characters vie for prominence, they do despicable things to each other: electrocution, murder, hot coals over the head, mustard packs under the toilet seat bumpers … that sort of thing. And this is where the burning question comes in: how much is too much? After having his throne ripped away by his daughter, how much retribution can the devil heap on his daughter’s head before a (real) reader is offended?

My thinking is this: hell isn’t a nice place, so dirty tricks can be pretty seedy. The characters involved in the power struggle do a lot of scheming, plotting and bargaining, and the stakes are high—one slip and it could mean the end of existence for their soul (what little they have). Family means nothing—they all pretty much hate each other—there is no love lost between any of them. They are all users and abusers, but generally in a comical way.

Okay, here it is. At one point the devil cuts a deal with Waldo and Croco that could transfer control of Lilith to the two beasts for eternity, assuming Lilith can be unseated from the throne of power. She is the strong one; all the others are subservient to her, but everyone watches out for their own self-interested and no one can be trusted. Trying to gain a few important followers to overthrow his daughter, Lucifer “trades” his daughter (if she can be deposed) for the loyalty of the two shadow creatures. The word “rape” is never used, but it is clear that will happen if the two ever get their hands on her. The devil considers the deal a good one because Lilith has screwed him so often in the past and, besides, she has no soul to permanently scar. Furthermore, if the two are abusing Lilith, he won’t have to watch his back one hundred percent of the time.

This is where my beta reader got concerned. All the killing and maiming didn’t bother her (souls heal quickly in the books, so most of the time a supplicant can be returned to service, and further pain, rather quickly), but the thought of Lilith being violated by two monsters pushed her over the edge. Just for background, my beta reader is eighty-four-years-old and quite brilliant. I generally listen to her with rapt attention, but this time I’m not so sure. So I thought I’d ask those of you who might read this blog: can a writer go too far in describing the evil conditions in hell? Is bargaining with his daughter’s fate—literally promising sexual servitude—too despicable for Lucifer?

I would appreciate hearing from some of you, but you don’t have to answer the question in a vacuum. Below is the excerpt where it happens. At the time of the excerpt, Lucifer is haunting one of Shelly’s classmates, a boy named Dick, and Miss Havana is haunting Shelly. Lucifer does not know Miss Havana’s spirit exists within Shelly, or he’d kill Shelly outright, and Miss Havana doesn’t know Lucifer’s spirit inhabits Dick’s body, or she would kill Dick outright (like I said, no love lost between the main characters). The excerpt is from Lucifer’s point of view.

*****

My thoughts of deep revenge are interrupted by the musings of my host. He is seated on a bench on campus ogling young girls who pass in review. The idiot actually believes he can see through clothing without my help. What a fool. Without me, all he will get is eye strain to add to his headache. This is my game, not his.

Shelly said she could see through clothing, too. I wonder if that was a lie, or if there really is something going on within her. If she can see past solid objects like she claimed, then she could have a spirit within her, like Dick has me, perhaps one Lilith sent to ensure I don’t sample the merchandise.

My mind is muddled on this point because I did not initiate the attempted sexual encounter with Shelly. No, she came on to Dick and kept fanning the flame. If Lilith ordered a spirit to spy on me from within Shelly’s mind, like she ordered me to observe Shelly from my Dick host, then what’s really going on? Surely a spirit from within Lilith’s camp would not attempt to offer me pleasure.

I find it equally hard to accept Shelly could be infected by a spirit from the other side because the other side would not have initiated anything like that. No, if there is a spirit in her, it must be one of ours. Either that, or Shelly is the first surface dweller to develop the ability to see through solids. Maybe that’s the real reason Lilith wants me to watch the kid; maybe Shelly really is different.

All I know for sure is that multiple personalities are running around in Shelly’s mind. Her accident could have caused that, or Lilith could be involved. As I contemplate the possibilities, deep in thought, I accidentally press the button on my collar while mindlessly rubbing the back of my neck with my hand. The 100,000-volt Tazer embedded in the collar immediately reminds me of my mistake. The smell of ozone follows the crackling sound of current surging over my skin, and … UNHOLY ALIANCE OF LILITH AND WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION! A burley shadow creature must have come through the side door, picked me up and savagely body slammed us both to the floor, over and over and over again.

I wake in the fetal position with dry tears irritating my eyes. My body is soaking wet, both nipples are on fire and my testicles are either missing or tucked up deep inside my body. My left arm is twisted under my body in an odd position and there is tingling in my legs. I hear unusual dog whining sounds in the distance, lots of them, like the restrained half-laugh of hyenas holding back because laughing of any ilk is forbidden in Lilith’s realm. Her dog things must be hovering in the blackness just out of range to avoid being slammed by my body flopping all over the slimy floor.

My triceps, right thigh and both nipples continue twitching as my body comes to rest. My face feels like it has been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighs eighty pounds. Drool runs down my chin. I think I’ve crapped myself, but I’m too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell is missing.

I take a deep breath, trying to see anything in the darkness. That’s when the dogs attack. Now those bastards are laughing! Their onslaught is vicious, and I hear Lilith’s stern voice mock amid the high-pitched whine of the dogs gagging on flesh ripped from my arms and legs, “You’ve picked a bad location for a vacation, Father. You had better have a damned good reason for being here, besides stupidity.”

I shake my head as the dogs fall back and my eyes adjust to the dim orange glow of molten sulfur and flickering torchlight. Lilith glares down at me, waiting for my reply. I hear distant whispering from the gallery, “Hen pecked, hell, he’s buzzard fodder.”

I stand with great effort; my knees are weak. Regaining as much dignity as possible under the circumstance, I brush off some of the mess the dogs deposited on me and respond, “This shock thing sucks—did you really need a new pan to burn things in?”

Her glare deepens. “Don’t make me smite you, Father. You know the rules. All trespassers will be maimed; survivors will wish they were dead.”

What a haughty bitch. I look at her with disgust, realizing full well the old saw, “childbirth is not for the meek, but it does seem to be for the stupid,” applies to both males and females equally. I glare back with all the hatred I feel at that moment, which is considerable, and my body lurches forward on automatic pilot.

Before I can reach out to grab her by the neck, a huge canine creature bites down on my shoulder, stopping me dead in my tracks. With a smirk that seems to further disfigure her face, Lilith mocks, “Tut, tut, Father, don’t do something permanently stupid because you are temporarily upset. Maiming you isn’t the last thing on my list, but it is on my list.” She motions to her dog to release me, and jams her index finger toward the slimy cavern floor. “Subservience is a virtue. Learn it well.”

I don’t have an opportunity to protest. Croco’s huge fist smashes against the back of my neck, and I wither in screams of pain as the shock collar administers another of Lilith’s gifts. The demons and shadow creatures in the gallery hoot and jeer while throwing feces and vomit to demonstrate their delighted approval. In all eternity, I never considered my afterlife could suck this much.

Still jerking with violent spastic muscle ticks, Croco hauls me off to his waiting line. Talk about irony. I helped the oaf set up that tunnel of horror an eternity ago, but I never thought I’d be hauled to the woodshed there myself. Croco slams me against the fire-hot broken glass that lines the wall and growls, “When you stop twitching and can show proper respect, she will see you.”

The brute turns to leave, but I stop him with an observation. “Croco, my old friend, I couldn’t help but notice the huge bulge in your pants that crops up on its own when you’re near the Princess. Was her delightful body, perhaps, a gift to you from my ex-mate while I trained Lilith on the surface?”

He pivots into a war-like crouch and his beady eyes seem to recess even farther back into his sloped skull. “There are worse things than death, my former tormenter.”

I smile and begin with a bit of useless conversation before re-engaging with meat. “Lilith has also alluded to that. I wonder what it could be. I’ve been thinking, old friend, about the time you saved Miss Havana from certain death. I would have killed her without your intervention. Why, Croco? Why did you intervene on her behalf?”

The brute glares and drools but remains silent. I interrupt his lack of discourse, lying like I already know the answer. “There is only one reason, old friend, and I have confirmed it with Miss Havana. You had Lilith. Her body was your sex toy while I trained her spirit on the surface. I can also see in Lilith’s reaction to you that she doesn’t know about the arrangement between you and my ex. Imagine Lilith’s fury when I mention that arrangement to her. Imagine that. The halls of hell will shake to the ground, and you, old friend, will be at the bottom of that particular heap of rubble.”

Of course, Miss Havana never shared anything with me. However, in the eternity I ruled the underworld, I grew proficient at reading the slightest nuance of body language that reveals the truth behind the torrent of lies my victims spewed. I watch Croco now as he considers what I might or might not know. A huge fart gives him away. I have touched a nerve; his bowels must be in turmoil. My incredible powers of observation have again served me well. Before I can pat myself on the back, Croco turns to lumber down the corridor, leaving me with only two last words, “Fuck you!”

Okay, that’s not acceptable at all, and I call out, “Croco, my dear friend, Lilith will call for me soon. Are you entirely certain you want our little secret exposed?”

Croco stops with a halting jerk, and then slowly turns as his eyes flash red from his deeply recessed sockets. “If you are issuing a challenge, Lucifer, remember where you stoop. This is my waiting line; it is no longer yours. I can do what I want here … to whoever I want.”

I believe the walls of the narrow passageway vibrate under the footfalls of the giant as he marches within inches of my face, never taking his threatening glare from my eyes. I ignore his stinky bad breath and smile. “Now Croco, let’s not get too excited. There could be a huge benefit in this for you if you take a moment to consider your options.”

His throat rumbles with anger, but he doesn’t attack. “Go on.”

“You see, dear friend, I have a plan … a way to restore things to the way they were in the good old days. Remember when we tormented souls together? Don’t you sometimes miss those times of anguish? Now you are relegated to this long and narrow little passageway and never get to come out to play with Waldo and me. How very sad, so very sad indeed.”

His glare softens a tiny bit. He does remember some of the good times, when he and Waldo ripped the arms and legs off supplicants who came before me. The gallery especially enjoyed those little tug-o-war games he and Waldo played. “Wouldn’t it be fun, my friend, to re-live those good times, and I could throw in a special bonus for you. How about I give you Lilith to do whatever you want with, say every other day? Wouldn’t that be fun? Think back, old friend, think back to the way it was while I trained her spirit on the surface … when Miss Havana offered you her body for your loyalty. Lilith is still suspicious of that, you know. She still doesn’t understand why she had such a terrible yeast infection when she returned from the surface.”

Of course, I strongly suspect Lilith didn’t have a real yeast infection. That was just a lie Miss Havana told Lilith, and it worked to a limited degree. At least Lilith didn’t kill Miss Havana outright when she had the opportunity. If Lilith knew for sure what happened, I suspect things might have been different. In fact, perhaps I can work that to my advantage. I wink and pat Croco on the forearm. “We both know it wasn’t yeast at all, don’t we dear friend, you nasty oversized bull?”

The longer Croco remains silent, the more convinced I am that I have guessed right. No wonder my faithful servant betrayed me when I returned from training Lilith. Miss Havana bribed him with Lilith’s body. The brute is still a lecher, and he knows he will never again have the opportunity to violate Lilith without my help.

Yes, yes, I know. Some might think it a tad shady of me to offer my beautiful daughter up in such a brazen swap for loyalty, even if the loyalty is only temporary, but hey, it’s not like violating her will permanently scar her soul or anything like that. That would require her to have a soul and, let’s face it, she doesn’t. I see a bead of drool slip from the edge of Croco’s mouth. He’s thinking my proposal over. He knows Lilith mistreats me constantly, so he’s not suspicious of my motives. In a few moments he grunts, “What’s your plan?”

Of course, I don’t really have one, so I offer, “All in good time, Croco, all in good time. For now, old friend, bide your time. Let the creatures of the cavern and all others below know I will soon return. Let them know … and let them fear. But if a single creature should breathe even the slightest hint of my impending return to Lilith, I will rain pain down on it the likes of which it cannot imagine. Let all creatures know—be watchful—the time of my arrival will be crystal clear to them.

“Tell them I will send ahead a sign of evil they cannot misunderstand, a sign for all to see, a harbinger of my imminent arrival. And when I take the Throne of Judgment that is rightfully mine, any of my creatures that do not support my return to glory will suffer a fate far worth than spiritual death … far worse than eternal pain. Tell them, when I sit upon the Throne of Judgment once again, that their loyalty will be tested individually. If I detect even the slightest hint of wavering or disloyalty, I will entertain the gallery with the sound of their crushing bones and the wailing torment of their souls.”

Croco bares his broken teeth in what could be interpreted as a smile. “Sometimes I do miss … the old days, but why every other day? Why wouldn’t I have her every day?”

I grin internally; he’s hooked. I pat him on his huge forearm again. “My dear Croco, we can’t be too greedy. After all, Waldo will want a piece of her as well, now won’t he? The important thing is that you will be first.”

*****

Okay, so that’s it. Take your best shot. Were you offended?

Thanks for reading,

James L. Hatch

http://cookinwithmisshavana.blogspot.com/

Author for Solstice Publishing, Eternal Press and xoxopublishing.com

Getting Published

You’ve written your masterpiece and you’re ready to show it to a publisher … or are you? Having a good story is not enough. In fact, no matter how good your story might be, it will probably be rejected unless it is properly self-edited. The purpose of this blog is to show some common errors missed during the self-editing process. The items below are examples only. The list is not complete; there are dozens more. Your manuscript must be squeaky clean or will most likely be rejected; the editor will not fix your mistakes. In the examples below, an arrow (=>) is used to show a better way.

1. Eliminate filler words and weak verbs, such as: was, were, that, had, just, very, as, went, put, and many more.

As the door swung open, the heated air struck Peter in the face. => The door swung open. The heated air struck Peter’s face like a sledge.

I went to the fridge. => I walked/stalked/stomped to the fridge.

I put my cup on the worktop => I placed my cup on the worktop with delicate finesse … or … I flung my cup down on the worktop. It shattered, adding a definitive exclamation point to my outburst before I ran out of the room.

2. Remove repeated words, phrases, thoughts and actions. Say it once; say it well.

Redundancy includes repeated words/character movements, similar scene venues and secondary characters or names with same beginning letter.

Beware of unintentional redundancy: gathered together, sank down, climbed up, widow woman, ask a question, brief synopsis, in close proximity, cluster together, suffocate to death, exact replica, frozen solid, old adage, over-exaggerate, same identical, separate out, trail behind and countless others.

She was so scared her heart hammered in her chest, and she felt her knees go weak. Question: Where else would her heart hammer? => Her heart hammered. Her knees weakened.
3. Handle dialog with finesse.

Minimize attribution of speech (tagging) => infer the character who is speaking.

Eliminate long sets of discourse without some action to break it up.

Remove unnecessary chit-chat; if it isn’t necessary, don’t say it.

People cannot snort, laugh sigh or grimace words. “I’ll get the water hose,” he laughed. => “I'll get the water hose,” he said, laughing.

Too much introspection or narrative with no breaks for dialogue or adequate paragraphing makes a reader skip ahead for some excitement.

4. Use active voice vs. passive voice.

They were discussing => they discussed

I was thinking => I thought

The lump in my throat nearly choked me => I almost choked on the lump in my throat.

5. Use a thesaurus to get vivid verbs and adjectives (better, stronger, fewer).

6. Avoid impossibilities (“and” is for parallel action).

She walked across the room and sat down. => She walked across the room and then sat down.

Disappearing into my tent, I put on jeans. => This is impossible. 'Ing' or 'as' clauses indicate parallel action.

Note: “Then” is a conjunctive adverb, not a conjunction. Although there are different opinions on the use of "then" as a conjunction, I believe “then” must be coupled with "and” to join independent clauses, or punctuated like "however" if the "and" is left out. For example:

He walked to the refrigerator, and turned back to glare at her.

He walked to the refrigerator, and then turned back to glare at her.

He walked to the refrigerator; then, turned back to glare at her.

He walked to the refrigerator, then turned back to glare at her.

The first sentence is incorrect because "and" defines parallel actions (he can't walk to the refrigerator and turn back to glare at the same time). The middle two sentences are correct. The last sentence is not correct because "then" isn't a conjunction.

7. Use “but” correctly (do not use “but” when you really mean “and”).

=> To suggest a contrast that is unexpected in light of the first clause: "Joey lost a fortune in the stock market, but he still seems able to live quite comfortably."

=> To suggest in an affirmative sense what the first part of the sentence implied in a negative way (sometimes replaced by on the contrary): "The club never invested foolishly, but used the services of a sage investment counselor."

=> To connect two ideas with the meaning of “with the exception of” (and then the second word takes over as subject): "Everybody but Goldenbreath is trying out for the team."

8. Minimize italics for emphasis. Never use capital letters for emphasis.

9. “Show vs. tell” is a real killer, perhaps the major reason for rejection. Delve into the character's emotions and bring out all five senses (touch, hearing, sight, smell, taste).

Hales thought she smelled smoke, and it scared her. She looked all around the yard. => Hales clasped her hands together to still the shakes. A tremble chased up her spine. Smoke curled outward from the edge of the forest and filled her nostrils. Oh God. If the fire got out of control, the crops would be destroyed and she would lose the farm. Where would she and her children go? How would they live?

It was cold. => Katarina shivered from the cold drifting in under the door. She looked out the window and saw large fluffy flakes of snow fall to the ground.

Joanna was very, very angry. => Joanna slammed her palm onto the table. The china cup fell off the edge and shattered. She didn't notice.

10. Don’t tell and then show. Telling what’s about to happen, and then showing it, destroys dramatic effect.

Excerpt from Lonesome Dove: “He found them an hour later, already stiff in death. He had raced as fast as he could over the rough country, not wanting to take the time to follow the river itself but too unsure of his position to go very far from it. From time to time he stopped, listening for shots, but the dark plains were quiet and peaceful, though it was on them that he had just seen the most violent and terrible things he had ever witnessed in his life…

(And then, three paragraphs later…) He could see the three forms on the ground as if asleep…”

So there’s half a page of dramatic, suspenseful writing, but it’s wasted because we already know the outcome.

11. Eliminate most adverbs, or consider them a call to “Show vs. Tell.” At a minimum, think it through whenever you use one.

Absolutely certain => certain

Excitedly wailing => wailing with such fervor that a silent tear slipped down my leg.

I stop abruptly => I slam on the breaks

I bat my lashes slowly => I bat my lashes with suggestive wile while moistening one side of my upper lip with my tongue.

I answer sarcastically => I smile, ignore her tone and let her know I speak sarcasm as a second language.

He walked casually into the barn. => He dusted off his hat before putting it back on, cocked to one side and tilted toward the back of his neck. He shrugged and sighed, and then ambled into the barn like he didn’t have a care in the world.

12. Adjectives can also be a call to “Show vs. Tell:” Adjectives like handsome, beautiful and good-looking – anything that describes a concept – should be expanded to show what you mean.

13. Keep a consistent and clear point of view (POV).

The man smiled at me and my face turned beet red. => Note that, in her POV, she can't know her face turned red because she can't see it. She can, however, feel her face heat up and therefore assume she's blushing.

Avoid “Head Hopping” at all cost. Stay in the chosen POV throughout the scene. When changing scenes, the POV must be clear.

14. Eliminate vague words like somewhat, perhaps, maybe, sometimes, etc.

15. “Maybe” and “perhaps” do not imply a question.

Maybe I will? => Maybe I will.

16. Don’t be trite; avoid clichés. Make up analogies that match the situation.

His hand is rough as a scouring pad.

His hand is huge and powerful. He’ll crush mine like a Tyrannosaurus biting a goat if I take it.

She dismisses me with a flip of her hand and drops off to sleep faster than a drunk on Demerol, snoring like a damn chainsaw.

“Push hard with my stomach muscles” => “bear down like I’m giving birth.”

As any God-bothering hypocrite would, Father Wally loudly proclaims his innocence and exclaims his outrage at being treated like a common criminal.

17. Punctuation, punctuation, punctuation! There are entire books on this. Just be sure it’s correct.

Be certain ellipses, hyphens and dashes are properly used

Commas (be consistent with series commas)

Quotations (punctuate outside except at the end of a sentence). Example: “My name is ‘The Brazilian’, not ‘you idiot!’”

Minimize exclamation marks and make sure they are warranted. The text must show the need for them.

A run on sentences, comma splice and fused sentence are the same thing. All these terms refer to two independent clauses connected only by a comma. Eliminate all run on sentences. Even short sentences can run on: It’s hot, use sunscreen. => It’s hot; use sunscreen.

18. Use the right word.

Further vs. farther. (If we push him further, he’s bound to break). Farther is for distance.

If you mean 'famous' or 'superior', you want eminent; if you mean 'impending, about to happen' that is imminent; and if you mean 'present, inherent', your word is immanent. Imminent is 'about to happen' and immanent is 'inherent' or 'pervading the material world.’

Use blond when talking about male hair, and blonde when talking about female hair.

It’s vs. its. “It’s” means “it is” while “its” implies belonging, as in “its toenails.”

Don’t use “may” when you mean “might.” If you used dandruff shampoo and developed dandruff, you may be entitled to a claim. => If you used dandruff shampoo and developed dandruff, you might be entitled to a claim.

May (asking permission) vs. Can (do you have the ability?)

Use “affect” when there is a change in emotions. Use “effect” when a physical change has occurred. (Psychological—Affect; Physical—Effect)

19. Resist the Urge to Explain (RUE). If the reader doesn't need to know, don't tell.

20. Don’t begin sentences with “there” (unless you are writing a limerick).

There was a man with one blue shoe and one brown shoe standing at my front door. => The man standing at my front door wore one blue shoe and one brown shoe.

21. Follow Publisher’s rules for submittals. All are different.

Double vs. single spacing. Blank line between paragraphs vs. none. Font type and size. Indented first line of paragraph. One space after each period. Etc.

22. Re-read. Don’t trust your spelling checker. Spelling checkers can’t help with: than/then, think/thing, he/her, can/can’t, mail/male, her/his, his/this, pound/pond, noise/nose, dose/does and many more.

23. Input from an editor: When I'm reading a submission this is my #1 pet peeve and will get the book rejected by me. I absolutely hate when an author feels the need to tell the reader step by step every little thing they do as if we the reader are too stupid to know or imagine the events. For Example:

She looked at Brad and said, "I'm going to go take a shower."
Kim walked up the stairs and went into her bedroom. She got a change of clothes and then walked down the hall to the bathroom. As she turned the water on and filled her bath, she added some bubble bath. When the tub was finished filling up she sank down in the steamy hot water.

All the above paragraph did was increase the word count. If she is taking a bath, we already know she would need to fill the tub with water. Step by step sentences do not add important detail.