I began writing as a quest to see if I could do it. Could I write something that had proper grammar, few to no errors, a good storyline, and that was interesting enough to be published (not self-published)? The goals were simple, but the implementation has been difficult. I am still working to achieve “few to no errors.” A self-imposed requirement to edit novels at least six times helped, but it wasn’t enough—a few errors were still found after publication. So, for my current novel, Dead Men Don’t Breathe, I required ten edit passes, my neighbor (who is a critical reader) made one, and I also used an Artificial Intelligence (AI) program called Grammarly. This blog focuses only on my experience using that AI program.

 1. I used Grammarly after I had made two edit passes on the manuscript. My preliminary exposure to the AI software indicated there might be too many suggested corrections if I didn’t do some screening first.

 2. Grammary runs slow if more than ten pages are submitted to it. I normally target chapters to be from ten to twenty pages, so most of my novel could be evaluated with reasonable speed one chapter at a time.

 3. Grammarly is subscription-based, so I ensured the company would let me start and stop the subscription one month at a time. I believe most books can be evaluated, a chapter at a time, by Grammarly in a thirty-day period. Each month costs thirty dollars. I reasoned, if Grammarly can help achieve my goal, then it is worth the money.

 4. I cut and pasted one chapter at a time into Grammarly’s online window. The program uncovered hundreds of errors and suggestions, some I never would have guessed. It is not always correct and can make bad assumptions, so each suggestion it makes must be considered on its own merit. It took a full week of long days to get through all the suggestions. The Grammarly program is not to be taken lightly; it is for serious authors only.

 5. Grammarly did more than look for errors. It also tried to teach me to write better. Many of its suggestions had to do with style, not unforgivable grammar/spelling errors. I appreciated that. I want to be the best writer I can be. The program also lets the user select the type of style he is going for. In my case, I selected “story telling.”

 6. I appreciated the program’s ability to evaluate words in context. It’s more than a spelling checker. It knows the difference between “woodbox” and “wood box” from context. I found that very useful because spelling checkers do not catch context errors.

 7. The program was sterling at suggesting removal of unnecessary words and phrases. The most common error I made was associated with the use of “of the.” For example, “by the shallow end of the pool” can be stated as, “by the pool’s shallow end.” If the program could suggest ways to remove words, it did. I did not always accept the specific wording the program suggested; however, that it found anything at all was a flag that a sentence or paragraph needed to be rewritten.

 8. The program often made suggestions something like, “apply this change to the next thirty instances?” After a long day, it was tempting to say “yes.” I tried that a couple of times and did not like the result because sometimes the meaning of my words changed. It’s far better to consider each recommendation on its own merit.

9. Grammarly frequently recommended changes that led to other changes, so one sentence or paragraph might need to be addressed many times. In the worst case, it could even return to the original comment after a chain of comments were dealt with. In most cases, that was a warning to rewrite the sentence or paragraph rather than try to "fix" it.

 10. After each chapter was evaluated by the AI program, and I had considered each of its recommendations, I cut the modified text from the Grammarly Internet window and pasted it back into a separate Word document. I had established the standards I wanted for that document, such as a page size of six inches by nine inches, and the chapters I pasted into that Word document were correctly assimilated.  

 11. After the Grammarly edit pass, I began my third edit pass on the document. I was surprised. I apparently missed some of the Grammarly edit suggestions, and I believe I found a few additional Grammarly changes in the document that I missed earlier. As I edited the document for eight more passes, Grammarly was still on my mind, and I found myself changing text to conform to suggestions the program had made during the earlier Grammarly edit pass. In other words, the program taught me a few things. I appreciated that.

 12. After my ninth edit pass, I could find few errors, so I passed the document to my neighbor, Steve. Steve is a voracious reader and has a critical eye for errors. In the past, he was delighted to find one or two errors in my published works. This time, I challenged him to find errors in the document before I submitted it for publication. And he did. But Steve wasn’t just looking for obvious errors. He also commented on things like “need more description” and the “the ending was too abrupt.” The concept errors he pointed out required I add an additional ten pages of text to the document. The document is far better for those comments.

 13. After I incorporated Steve’s comments, I read the book again. I still found a couple of errors and a few ways to say things better. Now, I am rereading specific chapters I believe are critical to keep a reader's interest through the book, especially the first and last chapter.

 14. Grammarly also provides a free version so people can check it out. I don’t recommend that version. The biggest problem is that the free version changes everything to unformatted text before it offers suggestions. Therefore, all formatting is lost—no italics, no bold, and no special characters. Because of that, I was a little afraid to try the real thing. But the paid version maintains all formatting.

I have not submitted Dead Men Don’t Breathe for publication. I am somewhat afraid to. The book is my best opportunity for an error-free submission. A single error will spoil a chance to produce a great story with no errors.

Thanks for reading,

James L. Hatch

5/5/2023: There’s More To Editing Than Meets The Eye

I don’t claim to be an expert writer or editor, but I do claim about 22 years of writing experience. During that time I have published nine novels and a few short stories. Under different circumstances I might have written more; however, I took a five-year sabbatical to care for my wife as she battled dementia. She lost that battle recently, and I started writing again. I have been surprised the quality of my writing seems to have improved during my absence. I’ll share some thoughts with you about the editing approach I used for two novels I recently submitted to Solstice Publishing: Beyond The Horizon and Infinity Quest. I wrote the majority of those novels before I became a caretaker; therefore, I had a unique historical perspective on my writing “then” vs. “now.”

1.  The new novels were intended to logically follow Aftermath Horizon, which was published in 2018. Therefore, the first task was to reread that novel to ensure all the stories fit together. This step required more time than I guessed. I wrote fast in 2018; now I don’t, and that’s my first lesson. The details in novels that follow an original must be consistent. That includes character names, event timelines, dates, equipment available to your characters, and concepts. If it all doesn’t fit together, then you will lose your reader and maybe your editor. Take your time to ensure flaws are removed.

2. Assuming the novel is consistent and complete, start reading and rereading. In an ideal world one would reread enough times so that the final read would have no errors. I read each of the two recent novels six times from cover-to-cover, and then spot checked many chapters before I submitted the novels to a Solstice editor. There are specific items you should check as you are rereading, among them:

     a. Ensure correct use of words like lie/lay, its/it’s, might/may, rise/raise, who/whom, etc. I have two screens open for that task—one for Googling grammar and word usage, and one for novel text. Always question word usage. When there is the slightest doubt, look it up. For example, read the last sentence in paragraph 1 above. “If” and “then” are used together as they should be.

     b. Be careful of the word “and.” The word means “at the same time.” Therefore, it is impossible to “walk to the bar, pick up a beer, and sit down.” You cannot walk and sit at the same time. If a series involves mutually exclusive items, end it with “and then.” Don’t confuse “and” with “but.” The word “but” implies an exception to what was presented earlier in the sentence.

     c. Don’t confuse “may” (which implies permission) with “might” (something could happen).

     d. Search your document for the following items (without the quotes): “, and”, “, but”, “, so”, “, yet”. These prepositions, with the comma and following space, join independent clauses. Without the comma they join a dependent clause. Don’t mess it up.

     e. Run spelling check even if your word processor does that while you are writing.

     f. Change the margins between the 3^rd and 4^th reading. Changing the margins forces the words in the text to wrap differently. Many errors occur where a sentence wraps to the next line. You might be surprised how many “new errors” crop up just by wrapping the text differently.

     g. Embed actions with dialog in a way that implies the speaker. Except in rare cases, don’t explicitly identify the character (like “John said”). This will take some practice. Try to picture the action going on with the dialog and intersperse the action you see in your mind with the dialog from the characters. For example: “She shook her head as she began pacing. Time seemed to stop while we all wondered how she would react. When she passed the table the third time she stopped abruptly, downed a shot of whisky, slammed the jigger down hard, and then glared at Tom. ‘What the hell do you mean my check bounced?’” The characters need to come alive. Sometimes the dialog itself is enough to identify the speaker. For example: “What do you mean by that, Mother?”

h. Use quotes correctly. The ending punctuation should be inside the quote, even when there is a quote within a quote, as above.

i. Minimize the use of adverbs. They can be the kiss of death.

j. You can often eliminate the word “that” without changing the meaning of anything.  

k. Perhaps the most confusing for new authors is the meaning of “show vs. tell.” When you are telling a story, you are the narrator. When you are showing a story, the characters are the narrators. The story should be told from the character’s point of view as much as possible.

l. The thoughts of a character should be italicized.

m. Be careful with hyphens. The only way to know for sure is to look the word up in a dictionary. Note that most words that begin with “re,” like rewrite, do not need a hyphen. The usual exception is words that begin with “e,” like re-edit.

n. Don’t use exclamation points except when the character is literally screaming. Don’t use capital letters to make a point.

o. Eliminate excess punctuation. If you can say something without punctuation, then do it. I do not set off four-word preposition phrases at the beginning of a sentence nor do I put commas before one if a prepositional phrase ends a sentence. If you cannot decide whether there are two independent clauses or one is dependent, then rewrite the sentence to clear it up.

Tina's New Book: THIS TIME WHEN WE TOUCH

For those of you who follow Tina Donahue's work, you only have to wait four more days! "This Time When We Touch" will be released 17 July 2014: Fate has cruelly torn them apart through the centuries. Endless desire and unparalleled love will bring them together a final time.

Through numerous reincarnations, Jade Jacome has adored one man. His love for her has repeatedly led to her murder, always on the same day and time. Jade’s scientific research proves this is their final rebirth, her last chance to outwit destiny and fulfill their passion. Against a backdrop of Brazil’s lushly decadent Carnaval, Jade has forty-eight hours to meet and tempt her lover, now known as Patrick Kane, then break fate’s deadly pattern.

Irresistibly drawn to Rio, Patrick senses Jade’s yearning that matches his. Seeing her again, time stops. Though they’ve never met in this life, he feels their connection, and that she’s in danger because of him. Baffled and unsettled, Patrick resists his attraction to Jade to keep her safe.

In a contest of wills and shameless seduction, Jade must gamble all, even her life, before the anniversary of their first separation or risk losing Patrick forever.

Here's a sneak peek excerpt:

What seemed to be love flared in the woman’s green eyes, further softening her features. A welcoming smile broke across her delicate mouth, creating two dimples.

Pure wonder overcame him. He couldn’t look at her enough to satisfy his lust, heart, and soul.

Reddish-brown hair, shiny and thick, cascaded down her back, the tendrils around her exquisite face wiggling in the wind. Her slender throat bobbed gently with her swallow. Even before he looked, he knew three moles circled her navel, the marks he’d been looking for.

It didn’t make sense. None of this did.

For some reason, he expected her to be wearing a yellow gown, elegant and modest in design.

Clothed in a thong the locals called fio dental or dental floss, she seemed unaware or unconcerned that its bronze color matched her skin, creating an illusion of nudity. The tips of her nipples strained against the stretchy fabric that barely contained her full breasts. No more than a scrap of cloth hid her cunt from him and not very well. The Lycra revealed the outline of her slit that led to her hot, wet sheath.

His lungs burned for air. Steadying himself, he dug his toes in the mud, feeling the bite of sand instead. Surprised and confused, he looked down.

Her voice whispered in his mind, “Esta vez cuando tocamosa.”

The words lingered, chasing away the remaining sounds until they disappeared, leaving a heavy silence. He managed a swallow and a shallow breath that left him hungry for more. Lifting his face, he stared at her, tenderness overwhelming him. Her voice, her promise echoed in his thoughts.

Esta vez cuando tocamosa. This time when we touch.

Hope roared through him with the arrogance of youth, followed by a broken man’s despair. He stopped lifting his hand to invite her closer. Unease crept through him. A warning rang in his mind to keep his distance, to do everything he could to keep her safe.

Above, a gull cried out, interrupting his apprehension, bringing with it the other sounds. Women laughed, men boasted, children shrieked. The reality and normalcy of the beach intruded.

Unsteady, Patrick blinked. What in the hell was happening?

Rubbing water from his eyes, he didn’t immediately look up, concerned that she’d vanished. That she hadn’t been real to begin with.

Her patient gaze told him how wrong he was. She regarded him as though no one else existed.

Patrick’s chest pumped with his erratic breaths. Blood flowed to his groin. His cock thickened painfully wanting inside her sweet cunt.

Just as he was about to act on impulse and go to her, a man from behind caught Patrick’s attention. He looked to be in his early thirties. Although she seemed unaware of him, he stared at her naked ass and legs, his attention more than appreciative. It was fucking possessive, possibly jealous. The kind of prick who talked with his fists to keep a woman in line.

Patrick went hot with outrage, his only thought to see that she was safe. He crossed the beach, stopping directly in front of her. She lifted her face to his, her expression guileless, brimming with what seemed to be adoration.

Baffled…grateful, he recalled her voice in his mind. Or what he thought had been her voice.

This time when we touch.

He remembered his concern, the insane idea that he had to protect her. From the guy behind her? Some other man? Or from himself?

The thought should have struck him as crazy, but he couldn’t dismiss it. Taking a step back, Patrick asked what he had to know but was afraid to face. “Who are you?”

  

BIO:

Tina Donahue is an award-winning, bestselling novelist in erotic, paranormal, contemporary and historical romance for Samhain Publishing, Ellora’s Cave, Siren Publishing, and Kensington. Booklist, Publisher’s Weekly, Romantic Times and numerous online sites have praised her work. Three of her erotic romances (Adored, Lush Velvet Nights, and Deep, Dark, Delicious) were named finalists in the 2011 EPIC competition. The French review site, Blue Moon reviews, chose her erotic romance Sensual Stranger as their Book of the Year 2010 (erotic category). The Golden Nib Award at Miz Love Loves Books was created specifically for Lush Velvet Nights, and two of her titles (The Yearning and Deep, Dark, Delicious) received an Award of Merit in the RWA Holt Medallion competition (2011 and 2012). Take Me Away and Adored both won second place in the NEC RWA contest (different years). Tina is featured in the 2012 Novel & Short Story Writer’s Market. She was the editor of an award–winning Midwestern newspaper and worked in Story Direction for a Hollywood production company.

FB Fanpage: https://www.facebook.com/TinaDonahueBooks

Email: tina@tinadonahue.com

Website: http://www.tinadonahue.com/

Blog: http://www.tinadonahue.com/blog/

Twitter: http://twitter.com/tinadonahue

Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/tina.donahue.75

Triberr: http://triberr.com/tinadonahue

Pinterest: http://pinterest.com/authortina/my-books/

Amazon author page: https://www.amazon.com/author/tinadonahue

My page at TRR: http://erotic.theromancereviews.com/mypageprofile.php?location=tinadonahue

EC Author Page: https://www.ellorascave.com/index.php/authors/index/author/slug/tina-donahue/

Samhain Author Page: http://store.samhainpublishing.com/Tina-Donahue-pa-1630.html

CONTEST

Please leave a comment. Tina will be choosing one winner randomly from the comments section. The winner gets her choice of one of Tina’s backlist ebooks – FIFTEEN IN ALL – contemporary, paranormal, suspense, ménage. From this list:

1. Adored – RWA award-winning; EPIC 2011 Finalist; 4 Stars RT

2. Deep, Dark, Delicious – EPIC 2011 Finalist; Holt Medallion Award of Merit

3. Lush Velvet Nights – EPIC 2011 Finalist; Golden Nib Award

4. In His Arms – SIX 5 Star Reviews; 4 Stars RT

5. Sensual Stranger – 2010 Book of the Year (erotic); 4 Stars RT

6. The Yearning – Top Ten Bestseller

7. Take Me Away – #1 Pick, Miz Love Loves Books

8. Unending Desire – Best Book Rating LASR

9. SiNN – Nominated for Book of the Week LASR

10. Sinfully Wicked – Magnificent – Romancing the Book

11.  Claiming Magique – Top Pick – NOR

12. Illicit Desire – Four Stars Romantic Times

13. Come Fill Me – Five Stars – Guilty Pleasures

14. Losing Control - Four and a Half Stars - Sensual Reads

15. Shameless Desire - Four and Half Stars - The Jeep Diva

Please note: Buy Link: http://www.bookstrand.com/this-time-when-we-touch

PRE-ORDER!

AVAILABLE: Thursday, July 17th

This title is offered at a 10% discount. Offer ends midnight CST, July 24th.

"Earth's Magick" and "Decker"

Mel Massey

Today Miss Havana presents an interview with Mel Massey, author of Earth's Magick and Decker. Miss Havana believes the short blurbs that follow the interview will pique your interest ... and Miss Havana knows a great deal about the dark side.

Give us an insight into your main character. What does he/she do that is so special?

My poor main character, Mela, really gets it bad from the first page.  A nasty being that’s trying to kill her attacks her nightly.  Mela is special because of the choices she makes to protect herself.  She’s open to the idea and the power of "magick."  Although, she really has no idea about any of it, she’s willing, and that’s all it takes sometimes, a little leap of faith and a whole lot of intent.  She wasn’t born with any area or special gifts, she’s simply a bit braver than most.

How much research do you do?

Sooooo much research went into this series.  First, let me say, I’ve outlined the entire series, and that took some time.  Then I outlined, researched, and created the “ancient characters” and that took an extremely long time.  Not to mention writing spells, and "magickal" history that worked with this world. I had to create the entire history of the Elementai, which is totally made up by the way.

If this book is part of a series, tell us a little about it?

Yes!  This is the first book in a five part series.  Plus four companion novels.  Each book’s theme is written right on the cover. The first is Earth.  Book 2 is Water, etc. Each book introduces new characters both good and bad.  The story starts to get more complex, and sadly, darker, as the series goes on.

What are your thoughts on writing a book series?

Personally, I’m a fan of authors who know where the series is going.  Even if they’re not sure on how the main character will get there, I’d like to know there is a purpose and a reason for it all. I do know how the Earth’s Magick series will end.  Some things may change as the books are written but I know the final outcome and I think that makes for a stronger series.  I read somewhere that an author of a series ought to plot the tale from the end to the beginning.  I totally agree with that.  But then again, there are other authors who’ve made a great living on going with the flow with no real clue…to each their own.

EARTH’S MAGICK, BOOK 1 ~Earth~

Blurb:

Life in Trinity Hills, Texas goes from normal to deadly for Mela Malone. Whenever Mela falls asleep, a mysterious creature, called The Hag, tries to kill her. What begins as dabbling in protective spells from an ancient Grimoire, leads to her initiation into an ancient order of warrior witches known as the Elementai. Mela learns war is coming with The Darkness and the Hag is only one of the evil creatures in its service. As an Elementai, Mela learns it’s her duty to find four part-human sisters who can help defeat the evil that threatens to return to the world. With every new discovery, Mela uncovers ancient secrets that complicate her quest further. As war approaches, everyone must make a choice - fight with the Elementai for all life on Earth, or fight for The Darkness.

DECKER

Blurb:

In this first companion novel to the Earth’s Magick series, Decker tells his incredible, and sometimes painful, life story. For over 2,000 years, he has fought to survive and find his place in this ever-changing world. Beginning in a remote village in ancient Saudi Arabia, he takes the reader with him to Egypt, Rome, Gaul, Ireland, Scotland, Africa, and finally to the New World. Earth’s Magick readers will relive Decker’s incredible adventures and his most intimate secrets.

Please see www.melmassey.com for news on the Earth’s Magick series, Mel’s blog, links to her books, and forums for readers to chat with each other.

Buy Links:

Mel’s books on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Mel-Massey/e/B00ID9Z9D8/ref=dp_byline_cont_book_1

Mel’s books at Barnes & Noble: http://www.barnesandnoble.com/c/mel-massey

Mel’s books on The Book Depository: http://www.bookdepository.com/search?searchTerm=Mel+Massey&search=Find+book

Author: Mel Massey

melmasseyauthor@gmail.com

Review of Tidal Surge by Francene Stanley

Not at all what I expected from the title, Tidal Surge is a paranormal tale of a woman who enters the thoughts of another and, once inside, can also make suggestions—for good or bad. As a new wife, Liliha shares her secret ability with her husband, Oliver, who encourages her to use her talent for the good of those she influences. Liliha has no control over the episodes that take her and, like an advancing tidal surge, she is swept away into a vortex of jumbled thoughts time and again throughout the novel. The story pivots from third person to first each time she is thrust into the mind of another. I was a little confused the first time that happened but adjusted quickly and enjoyed the perspective shift.

Liliha derives her power from an ancient Egyptian moonstone ring, and the ring has two associated golden bracelets, one of which is in Liliha’s possession. The bracelet, like the ring, bestows on those who wear it an ability similar to Liliha’s but there is a difference. While the ring encourages good, the bracelet brings out the worst. Kaelyn, Liliha’s daughter, happens on the bracelet while rummaging through her mother’s things and is swept away into a dark world inside the mind of people intent on evil deeds. Encouraged by the bracelet, Kaelyn’s destructive nature blooms, and the sullen, insolent daughter becomes even more hostile.

Amid the chaos of good vs. evil as Kaelyn and Liliha battle each other within the minds of predators and victims, Oliver’s sexy ex-girlfriend, Beatrice, schemes to recover her relationship with Liliha’s new husband. Beatrice flees the witness protection program to add her physical beauty and lustful soul to the eternal battle being waged by Liliha and Kaelyn.

The plot is highly entertaining, the ending is unexpected, and the book is masterfully edited. I enjoyed the English writing style and vocabulary. Francene Stanley also walked the fine line between enough description of people and places to embed the reader into her story, but not so much to slow the reader’s momentum. Here’s an example as Kaelyn reacts to the bracelet: “She took a deep breath, and then slid the bangle up her arm. The gold clamped and settled on her bicep. Shudders of guilt-tainted pleasure flowed through her. Suffocating, sweet essence invaded her psyche. She slid onto the void with an expectation of delight.”

Having raised two teen girls myself, I applaud the author for capturing the aloof nature, lack of forgiveness (for almost everything), and haughtiness of a young woman striving to come to grips with the world as it is. Overall, I believe Tidal Surge is a five-star read.  

Rachel's Legacy by Lizzy Stevens

Rachel Connors loved her life, and her job as a manager at a ski resort in Aspen Colorado, but after learning she was ill, she decided to take a long needed vacation to her parent's home. This was when she met Kyle Landers, who in her absence had moved into her parent's lives, and before he'd even met Rachel, Kyle had decided not to like her. Kyle had been alone in the world when Rachel's parents had taken him in; and he couldn't understand why their ungrateful daughter had chosen to distance herself from them. 

Rachel and Kyle grew closer, and she knew she was falling for him. Everything changed when Rachel was scheduled to meet Kyle, but a call from her doctor summoned her back to Aspen, telling her parents there was a problem at work. When Kyle hears of this, he boards a plane to find her, learning the truth of her condition. Their love blossomed but it was to be short lived when on their flight back to the ranch the plane crashed. Despite an extensive search, Kyle was never found, and Rachel was forced to go on without him.

Four years had passed, and Rachel's relationship with Marcus, her new boyfriend, was moving to a different level, but at the same time, the thought dead Kyle had come out of his coma; his mind lost in the events four years earlier. After Rachel accepted Marcus' proposal, Kyle returns, leaving Rachel with a dilemma. For four years Marcus had been by her side, but now Kyle was back, wanting her just as much as he had the day of the crash. She needed to get away to make her decision, so she left for Aspen, only Kyle followed her to try to convince her that they belonged together. 

Who will Rachel Chose? Is Kyle's love enough to bring her back to him?

Interview with Miss Havana

Host: Today we welcome Miss Havana, the beautiful starlet of the Miss Havana paranormal comedy series. Please, Miss Havana, have a seat.

MH (flicking her hair while looking down at the chair): Is that seat clean? Do you have a towel so I can dust it off?

Host (providing paper napkins): As I said, thank you for joining us today. We—

MH (interrupting): You wouldn’t have a glass of chardonnay would you?

Host: Ah, no, but I do have water.

MH (adjusting her mini-skirt): If that’s all you’ve got, I guess it’ll have to do. A lady simply must be careful about what she puts in her body.

Host (flipping through notes): Really? It says here you once gave birth to Lilith, Lucifer’s daughter. That would indicate you weren’t very discriminating about what you put in it back then.

MH (yawning): That’s such old news. Seducing that dolt was just a means to an end. I’ve become a better person over the years, although my ex would still choke the life out of me if he could get his grubby hands on my neck.

Host (shuffling through the pages): I wondered about that. It says here you married Samuel Jackson. The actor? Does Lucifer resent that?

MH (deep sigh): Your research sucks; I’d never marry a liberal. My Samuel Jackson is a fireman…and he understands that accidents happen.

Host (clears throat): His occupation could come in handy if Lucifer ever catches up with him.

MH (grinning): Our daughter, Angel, protects us. She has friends in high places.

Host (wide-eyed): You mean God, right? Some people think He is her real father. Is that true?

MH (scrunching up face into a scowl): All I can say is that Immaculate Conception isn’t what it’s cracked up to be. Our daughter … is just an angel.

Host: My notes indicate you have two daughters now…both adopted.

MH (shaking head): Things are not always what they seem. Living or dead is not necessarily black and white in my world. Shades of grey crop up all the time.

Host (changing topic): Our audience wants to know—does Lucifer still seek to do you harm?

MH (sitting up straight and glaring into host’s eyes): My, my, we are focused on the dark side today, aren’t we? Lucifer wants to do you harm, you idiot. It’s what he does.

Host (flushing): No need to get personal. How about I just ask about your new book, The Trophy Wife? That’s due out soon, isn’t it?

MH (smiling): Don’t you just love the picture of me on the cover? I teased the photographer with that one. He sweat so much he had to clean his lens. But you are right. The book was released yesterday, February 10! I’m so excited.

Host (loosening his collar): Yes, the cover is, well, you. Can you tell us a little about the story?

 

MH (flexing her shoulders): Oh, yes. The Trophy Wife is my most outrageous novel yet. You will laugh until you cry! Because I’ve made Lucifer’s afterlife a nightmare, he kills me—again—but God intervenes. I find myself on the good side for a change. God sends my spirit to inhabit a six-year-old Cuban child, who becomes a flawed but beautiful high school teacher, and Lucifer sends our daughter Lilith, the Princess of Darkness, to haunt Lily, one of my students. Lilith rains comical torment on me like a natural enemy, and we ratchet up our level of destructiveness as we discover more of our underworld power. Murder eventually becomes an option…for both of us. Despite dips into horror and tragedy, the novel is a hilarious romp through heaven and hell. God helps me a lot, frustrating Lucifer and Lilith enough to char the pages. Even though my journey toward happiness is fraught with peril, I still find inner faith and strength along the way.

Host (glancing up to observe MH over the top of his glasses): So, you’re on the good side? That’s a new role for you, isn’t it?

MH (huffing): There you go again. Things are not always black and white and they never will be.

Host (putting down his notes): Can you give us a sample from The Trophy Wife, just for fun?

MH (rolling her eyes): That’s the reason I’m here. Here’s a couple of paragraphs where I strike back at Lilith with my famous paddle. I didn’t know I was once the Queen of Darkness at the time, or that Lilith was once my daughter, so what happens to Lily seems, well, just coincidence.

* * * *

Miss Havana then strutted to the front of the room, picked up the paddle and began tapping the rounded end on the floor. Once again her hardened glare fell on Lily. “Discipline can be a bitch. You may come to the front of the room now.”

Suddenly Lily seemed compelled to get out of her chair and walk robot-like to the front of the classroom as if on autopilot. She couldn’t scream. She knew what would happen next but seemed helpless to prevent it. Although she fought with every muscle in her body, she stooped over and grabbed her ankles. Miss Havana lined up behind her and, with all the strength she could muster, swung the paddle against Lily’s butt. Whack!

Lily danced on her toes as soon as the paddle made a fire-hot imprint on her ass. She wanted to cry out, but whispered sympathy from the other side of the door kept her in check: “Oh, my God”…“Poor Lily”…“What comes around goes around”…“That’ll leave a mark.”

* * * *

Miss Havana heard the hushed voices too, and smiled. From now on, my other students should be far more receptive to my lessons. Watching Lily gyrate in abject pain on her tippy toes produced the same reaction Miss Havana had noted before. Her private area dampened, and she secretly wished Jackson would show up to put out the flame building inside her.

When Lily stopped her dance of silence, Miss Havana blew a quick puff of breath across the surface of the paddle. “We can do this forever, Lily, or you can just stop attacking me.”

Lily shot back. “I hope you choke on the next penis you swallow!”

And Miss Havana responded without thinking, “And I hope you drown in shit, but neither is likely to happen. You may leave now.”

Both Lily and Miss Havana could hear the shuffling outside the door, like a herd of cockroaches abandoning a dumpster. Lily stormed out and slammed the door behind her.

Miss Havana sat at her desk. Her fingers twitched and tremors shook her arms. She took a deep breath and exhaled slow. Why didn’t Lily resist? I called her to the front like leading a lamb to slaughter. Does the girl actually have a shred of decency, a tiny bit of respect for authority? Miss Havana expected a showdown, and had even brought pepper spray, the “Hello Kitty” brass knuckles Duane insisted she carry…and a Taser. She thought this might be her last day teaching in a public school, but the session with Lily had gone down smoother than double malt whisky. Why?

* * * *

Lily reached the parking lot in F5 tornado rage. She wanted…needed…to destroy something…anything. She dragged her ignition key the full length of Miss Havana’s car as she passed by and then walked to each door panel and kicked it in while screaming “Bitch!” at the top of her lungs each time her foot impacted the metal. Other students gave her a wide berth. No one wanted to get involved.

Lily stormed to her Festiva, revved the engine far more than advised by the manufacturer’s owner’s manual and threw the car in gear. Her tires squealed as students scattered in all directions. She accelerated through the parking lot, ran the stop sign as she entered the main drag, and raced through the crosswalk like she had the right of way.

Two blocks from Redmond High, she rounded the corner much too fast to remain in her own lane…and slid sideways into a large yellow truck with black trim, red flashers, and the words “Stool Bus” stenciled on the doors—a vehicle owned by a local firm that profited from pumping port-a-potty effluent. The Festiva slammed into the pumping valves with such force they penetrated the vehicle’s driver’s side door just above Lily’s lap…and snapped off. Lily screeched, “Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!” as the entire chunky load emptied inside her car.

* * * *

MH (with sheepish grin): Okay, you get the picture. Now you need to get the novel. You can buy it at http://www.amazon.com/James-L.-Hatch/e/B005CQB6E6. (She leans forward just enough to expose the tops of her marshmallow-like breasts) I really wish you would.

Host (now sweating): Yes, yes, I will. Thank you for being with us today. (Turning to face the audience) And thank all of you wonderful people for taking the time to read this post. Just a quick reminder: The Trophy Wife makes a fantastic Valentine gift for both men and women. Nothing says “I Love You” like a good laugh.