Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Notes from Annual NM Chili Cook-off



For those of you who have lived in New Mexico, you know the truth of this story. The annual Chili Cook-off is held about the time Halloween comes around, and takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza. Judge #3 was an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from  Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge #3."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI

Judge # 1 - A little too heavy on the tomato.  Amusing kick. 
Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato
flavor. Very mild. 
Judge # 3 (Frank) - Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

Judge # 1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. 
Judge # 2 - Exciting BBQ flavor, but needs more peppers to be taken seriously. 
Judge # 3 - Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste
besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

Judge # 1 - Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. 
Judge # 2 - A bit salty; good use of peppers. 
Judge # 3 - Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting
 Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back. Now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shitfaced from all the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1 - Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. 
Judge # 2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. 
Judge # 3 - I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This very ugly woman is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1 - Meaty, strong chili.  Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. 
Judge # 2 - Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement. 
Judge # 3 - My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue
from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge # 1 - Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers. 
Judge # 2 - The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 - My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
 
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge # 1 - A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. 
Judge # 2 - Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. 
Judge # 3 -You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing.  I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the four-inch hole in my stomach.
 
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
 

Judge # 1 - The perfect ending. This is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. 
Judge # 2 - This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella. I wonder how he'd react to really hot chili.
Judge # 3 - No report.

2 comments:

  1. I love good chili, and this actually brought tears to my eyes while reading it.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hi George. Thanks for the comment. Actually, I shed a few tears as well. I love funny stuff, and Miss Havana seems to bring that out in me.

    James

    ReplyDelete